I don't get it man.. what happened? (Ex girlfriend story)

[Chris]

Chasing after women always, always blows up in your face because the over expectation thing gets in the way.

Very good advice.  The other part of it is that (most) women do not actually like guys chasing them...or more accurately, they don't end up falling for guys who chase them.  They want to be with the guys who make them do the chasing.  If you chase them, they may enjoy their new toy for a while, but eventually they will get bored of you, and toss you aside. 

Be the hammer, not the anvil.

[Monkhouse]

She says she's going to move out today.

Is it right for me to be concerned where she's going, because I seriously doubt she found a place by now, or should I just ignore it? Half of me doesn't really care, and the other half wants to make sure at least she isn't exactly living in her car.

[Roy H.]

She says she's going to move out today.

Is it right for me to be concerned where she's going, because I seriously doubt she found a place by now, or should I just ignore it? Half of me doesn't really care, and the other half wants to make sure at least she isn't exactly living in her car.

Ignore it.  She's made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you, so I think you've got to just let her go. 

It's natural to be concerned -- you care for her -- but my guess is that a flirtatious 19 year old isn't going to have a ton of trouble finding a new place to stay.

[oldmanspeaks]

The mistake of the good guys in life is that they want to "fix it". That is not a bad thing but don't overdo it. Helping someone who is smart enough to know that they need help is good but helping someone who doesn't know they need help is a waste of energy (and emotion). You help people because you won't feel good about yourself if you don't and that is a sign of character. However when you become Mr Fixit, you are just enabling bad behavior. It took me a loooooong time to figure out the difference but it has been a good life lesson. You can really only help people who are ready to be helped. (and heaven help you if you ever marry a "victim" because it is a black hole of fixing. Those that have had a super difficult life without becoming "victims" make the best long term mates in my experience).

[PhoSita]

She says she's going to move out today.

Is it right for me to be concerned where she's going, because I seriously doubt she found a place by now, or should I just ignore it? Half of me doesn't really care, and the other half wants to make sure at least she isn't exactly living in her car.

I mean, you're concerned about her.  And I'd hope that you would be.

As much as I agree with other people who say it's important for you to get some distance from this person -- and important for her to do the same with you -- I do want to caution against an attitude of "there are lots of fish in the sea" or whatever.

This person trusted you enough to confide in you that you are one of the few people in her life that she feels actually cares about her.  Without knowing her I can't say if that was just her being manipulative or if that was a sincere, earnest statement.  Either way, having that said to you places a tremendous responsibility on your shoulders.  That's a big weight to carry, especially with somebody that you maybe haven't known that long.  In some ways it's not fair of her to put that on you.  If being there for her makes you unhappy, then it can't really work. 

Still, I think it's probably important for you to try to communicate to this person that while you feel like you need to have some distance from her for now, you still care about her and you want to be there for her, eventually, when you're both ready.  Otherwise, if she feels like she's really laid herself bare and trusted you as a person she can depend on, and you become cold and turn her out, it may ruin any chance there is that you can be friends in the future.

[Chris]

She says she's going to move out today.

Is it right for me to be concerned where she's going, because I seriously doubt she found a place by now, or should I just ignore it? Half of me doesn't really care, and the other half wants to make sure at least she isn't exactly living in her car.

I mean, you're concerned about her.  And I'd hope that you would be.

As much as I agree with other people who say it's important for you to get some distance from this person -- and important for her to do the same with you -- I do want to caution against an attitude of "there are lots of fish in the sea" or whatever.

This person trusted you enough to confide in you that you are one of the few people in her life that she feels actually cares about her.  Without knowing her I can't say if that was just her being manipulative or if that was a sincere, earnest statement.  Either way, having that said to you places a tremendous responsibility on your shoulders.  That's a big weight to carry, especially with somebody that you maybe haven't known that long.  In some ways it's not fair of her to put that on you.  If being there for her makes you unhappy, then it can't really work. 

Still, I think it's probably important for you to try to communicate to this person that while you feel like you need to have some distance from her for now, you still care about her and you want to be there for her, eventually, when you're both ready.  Otherwise, if she feels like she's really laid herself bare and trusted you as a person she can depend on, and you become cold and turn her out, it may ruin any chance there is that you can be friends in the future.

While I think there is some real truth to this, this is a VERY slippery slope. 

I think as a good person, you never want to kick someone out on the street, if you do not believe they have any place to go.  So, I think from that sense, he should absolutely at least try to confirm she has a place to go.  I think that is just general human decency.  I think it is reasonable that he put his feelings aside in the (very) short term, to make sure he is sending her out into a safe environment.  If only for his own piece of mind.

However, the idea that he has any responsibility to her is a bad thing.  Once you take on that responsibility, it is really hard to get it off your shoulders...and it is even harder for her to take it onto her shoulders.  You do not want to get into a codependent situation. 

[Roy H.]

She says she's going to move out today.

Is it right for me to be concerned where she's going, because I seriously doubt she found a place by now, or should I just ignore it? Half of me doesn't really care, and the other half wants to make sure at least she isn't exactly living in her car.

I mean, you're concerned about her.  And I'd hope that you would be.

As much as I agree with other people who say it's important for you to get some distance from this person -- and important for her to do the same with you -- I do want to caution against an attitude of "there are lots of fish in the sea" or whatever.

This person trusted you enough to confide in you that you are one of the few people in her life that she feels actually cares about her.  Without knowing her I can't say if that was just her being manipulative or if that was a sincere, earnest statement.  Either way, having that said to you places a tremendous responsibility on your shoulders.  That's a big weight to carry, especially with somebody that you maybe haven't known that long.  In some ways it's not fair of her to put that on you.  If being there for her makes you unhappy, then it can't really work. 

Still, I think it's probably important for you to try to communicate to this person that while you feel like you need to have some distance from her for now, you still care about her and you want to be there for her, eventually, when you're both ready.  Otherwise, if she feels like she's really laid herself bare and trusted you as a person she can depend on, and you become cold and turn her out, it may ruin any chance there is that you can be friends in the future.

While I think there is some real truth to this, this is a VERY slippery slope. 

I think as a good person, you never want to kick someone out on the street, if you do not believe they have any place to go.  So, I think from that sense, he should absolutely at least try to confirm she has a place to go.  I think that is just general human decency.  I think it is reasonable that he put his feelings aside in the (very) short term, to make sure he is sending her out into a safe environment.  If only for his own piece of mind.

I guess I've seen too many manipulators to care all that much about where her landing spot is going to be.  She says she can leave, let her leave.  It's not MH's responsibility any more.

This girl has a mother who has kicked her out.  She has a sister that she objected to because the sister wanted her to study all the time.  Those sound like two great resources.

[Chris]

She says she's going to move out today.

Is it right for me to be concerned where she's going, because I seriously doubt she found a place by now, or should I just ignore it? Half of me doesn't really care, and the other half wants to make sure at least she isn't exactly living in her car.

I mean, you're concerned about her.  And I'd hope that you would be.

As much as I agree with other people who say it's important for you to get some distance from this person -- and important for her to do the same with you -- I do want to caution against an attitude of "there are lots of fish in the sea" or whatever.

This person trusted you enough to confide in you that you are one of the few people in her life that she feels actually cares about her.  Without knowing her I can't say if that was just her being manipulative or if that was a sincere, earnest statement.  Either way, having that said to you places a tremendous responsibility on your shoulders.  That's a big weight to carry, especially with somebody that you maybe haven't known that long.  In some ways it's not fair of her to put that on you.  If being there for her makes you unhappy, then it can't really work. 

Still, I think it's probably important for you to try to communicate to this person that while you feel like you need to have some distance from her for now, you still care about her and you want to be there for her, eventually, when you're both ready.  Otherwise, if she feels like she's really laid herself bare and trusted you as a person she can depend on, and you become cold and turn her out, it may ruin any chance there is that you can be friends in the future.

While I think there is some real truth to this, this is a VERY slippery slope. 

I think as a good person, you never want to kick someone out on the street, if you do not believe they have any place to go.  So, I think from that sense, he should absolutely at least try to confirm she has a place to go.  I think that is just general human decency.  I think it is reasonable that he put his feelings aside in the (very) short term, to make sure he is sending her out into a safe environment.  If only for his own piece of mind.

I guess I've seen too many manipulators to care all that much about where her landing spot is going to be.  She says she can leave, let her leave.  It's not MH's responsibility any more.

This girl has a mother who has kicked her out.  She has a sister that she objected to because the sister wanted her to study all the time.  Those sound like two great resources.

I don't disagree.  I guess it just comes down to Monkhouse's feelings.  This isn't about the girl.  It is about whether he would be stressed, worrying what happened to the person he cared about.

I know if I were in that situation, I would prefer to have the piece of mind of knowing that she was going somewhere safe.  If she wasn't, I would make it my final duty as her friend to help her find some place ASAP.  And then cut it off. 

[Clench123]

If I were you, I would listen to Roy.  He makes the most sense in this thread. 

[slamtheking]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 and half months. We're almost on 7. She's 19, and I'm 21. We’re co-workers, and don’t work the same shifts. We got very close, and she said before, "you're the only person in my life except for my older sister that cares about me." Now the thing is, her mother kicked her out, so I told her, "just stay with me then." I know moving in was a mistake, but I did it solely, because she needed a place to stay.

She wants to love me, but not have to. She wants to explore other options and date other people. She says shes 19 and she wants to see what's out there. She never got to go out and date, or talk to other guys, cause her older sister kept her locked in her room to study. I told her we can always be friends, but I can't be her best friend, or we can't ever be the same. She says she feels guilty cause she flirts a lot, and she says she doesn’t deserve me. That I deserve better, and she doesn't understand how I can be with someone like her.

I talked to my friend who said, "honestly I've seen the way she talks and is around you. She is in love with you. I think she just has cold feet. I mean put it this way, you guys are getting somewhat serious, and she's worried that it may be moving too fast for her."

Now she says she'll move out, give me the months rent, and wants to still be best friends. But how I can be best friends with someone who is just going to look for another boyfriend, and sleep with them? I can only be a friend, and a casual one at that. What happened man? Everything was going so well, we had this discussion a week ago, and she said never mind, I want to stay with you.

I really care and like this girl. And I wouldn't mind getting in a serious relationship a few months down the line. But now the thought of her being with someone else is just something I can't picture.

EDIT:

I do want her happiness. So if she can't be happy with me, then that's just how it works, ya know? I'm leaning towards she's afraid of commitment, and the fact she is flirting with other guys means she is moving on.

But that's just her personality. A lot of guys says she flirts around too much, and at times even rubs other guys with girlfriends wrong.

believe it or not, I've been in a situation pretty close to that.  won't go into it here but based on my experience,
let her go sow her wild oats and keep your distance.  it'll really suck for you no matter what (unless you find someone else you like better) but it'll come down to one of two scenarios:
1) she plays the field (more or less) and comes to think she should have stayed with you once she sees what else is out there.  --> Upside: she comes back to you (if you still want her at that point) and you can pretty much know she's not going anywhere
2) she finds someone else she likes better and moves on.  --> Upside: you didn't waste more time in a relationship that was going to end anyway.  you just didn't have to go through her looking for other guys while still with you then dumping you.

[Bosstown]

Here's the reality, you're 21 and she's 19. Chances are you guys probably aren't getting married, 99% of people ur age don't. My advice is from 21-25 just have fun and be single, no girl you meet during that time period is going to be that serious. Relationships are just a pain in the ass during those stages in life, just have fun.

Love lock down is much later in life when you can have a real relationship. I'm sure this sucks now, but dude she sounds like she wants to just **** around with other guys. She will do date and have sex with ****bags/bad boys until she gets her fill. Then around 26, she wakes up and wants a nice guy. Thats how it always goes.


Leave it alone, break it off and you will forget about her. Really easy my friend.

Now go out and makeout with a random chick at a club somewhere.

[KGs Knee]

The answer, which you probably don't want to hear, is cut it loose with her.  Give it a clean break.

Here's why:  you care about her.  That means that you will want to be a friend to her, and will keep some loyalty toward her.  She'll be out sleeping with other guys, and you're going to be the one asked to pick up the pieces.

That's psychological torture for you.  You're going to have a girl most likely date a string of dirt bags, none of whom compare to you, and my guess is that you're either going to be holding out hope that she comes back to you, or that she'll string you along because it meets her emotional needs.

So, you have to ask yourself if you're willing to go through all of that, or whether you're better off trying to find a woman who is more emotionally stable and who has fewer issues. 

I think you should ask her to leave ASAP.  There are a lot of red flags here.

Best piece of advice right here.

Run, and run fast.  It's for your own good.

[KG Living Legend]

 Hey Buddy, Your 21 years old what a confusing time. Here is the deal. At that age don't put all your eggs in one basket. This is key for you at this point. You now see what can happen when you do put all your eggs into one young girl. Meet as many girls as you can, get phone numbers and get options. Monogamous relationships at your age are a recipe for disaster.

[OsirusCeltics]

Two things I'm seeing

1. She's hardly been out the house her whole life, been in a strict environment, only dated you
-She's never experienced dating another boy so now she's ready to talk to any boy she sees. Her dating you was a way to build up confidence with a guy, so now she wants to explore that. Nothing wrong with anything you did. She wants to love you, but that dying need to explore whats out there is overriding that

2. You  let her stay with you when her mother kicked her out
-You became too accommodating. Girls don't like that all the time. You probably always returned her call, canceled a night out with your friends cause she said she needed you, bought her anything she wanted, or anything similar to that, and she's now taking what you did for granted

Main thing is she is really young and not ready for a serious relationship that you're looking for. Forget about her, there's plenty of girls who would have less "mixed feelings" like she's having

[angryguy77]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTW0GqiQew0

This is how you move on.