For a not great night last night was awesome……this is how it went. After voting for the sure winner on the Tebow/Cosby ticket and making the excessively evil choice to vote that corporations are people (cue evil laugh ooh ha ha ha haaa) I went out with three librarians, where I discussed fantasy football with a golfer and the state of Maine with a guy from Maine. I was also scolded for referring to my wife as “my Eurowife”. After getting a beer from a swan I asked for something with caffeine and received an $11 espresso martini. Great. After that it was time to go, so naturally I went to my car to get my $3 Proud to be an Elephant hat that I have never worn. On the way to get it I encountered one of my more common problems, which was a pack of beautiful supermodels who wanted me to go back to their hotel suite with them. I had to explain AGAIN that because I have a eurowife if anything happened it would lower my average. I then went to the Red Cat Kitchen at the Ken n Beck where I encountered the even more beautiful gay friend I have, who was wearing a tux. I was given a coke and a three course meal. The first course was scallops and prociute with a beet puree that was unreal. They were the first scallops I enjoyed in 30 years. I then had my first ever pork belly with mixed vegetables. I then received a thin country fried steak. I LOVE country fried steak and in this part of the country there is nowhere to get one. I was told it was to appeal to the demographic of my hat.
I then went home where I discovered the Lithuanian on my fantasy basketball team had a good night, and that the people of MA are the most partisan people on Earth. MA makes me feel like Anastasia Steele in chapter 11. I love you, but you’re freaky.
After going to bed I dreamed briefly that I met my boss’ family over dinner and there may have been a treehouse or a ledge involved because at some point we looked down on them.
I THEN dreamed that the world was ending and that I needed to go underground to a bunker for only Jewish people. (I’m a 16th Jewish). I think this is because I walk through a Jewish cemetery 6 times a week (no really). It was small and warm and cozy and was playing Fiddler on the Roof music. None of the Jews I know in real life were there, which is a shame because I would have loved to bump into my ex girlfriend I then realized I had left my boy in the parking deck (IKEA reference?) and had to leave the Jewish bunker to go get him. He was already out of the car trying to find me and we started going down the escalator until it retracted and we had to start climbing down. Then I woke up. My Eurowife asked “Why wasn’t I in the Jew bunker with you?” I responded “Because everyone knows there are no Jews in Lithuania any more”.
Four more years of my liberal friend’s messiah. Lord Putin, the French, the Canadians, the French Canadians, and the Omicron Persei 9ers and pleased. L'chaim!