What's the funniest "clean" joke you know?

[Zoots]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[Roy Hobbs]

Reminder:  jokes are to be kept clean.  That means stay away from *anything* that uses slurs or derogatory terms for others.

Also, please keep things in good taste.

[celticmaestro]

Speaking of poop jokes...

A bear and a rabbit are taking a deuce in the woods.  The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Say, pal, do you ever have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"  The rabbit says, "Why, no, it's never been a big issue."  "That's good to know," says the bear, and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

ahh ediie murphy back in his prime.

[SShoreFan 2.0]

A frog walks into a bank and says "I making some renovations to my lily pad and I would like to apply for a loan."

The frog hops over to the desk with the name plate that reads Patricia Black and asks, "I'm Mr. Frog and I'd like to apply loan."

Mrs. Black says, "Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign, and we will need some collateral."

Mr Frog, pauses for a moment and says, "I am not sure what I can offer for collateral, will this do?" Mr. Frog reaches into his knapsack and pulls out an object that the loan manager doesn't recognize.

"I am going to need to show this to the bank manager, can you wait here?"  Mrs. Black asked the frog.  So she takes the object and goes to the bank manager and says "I need some help.  Mr. Frog would like a loan to improve his lily pad, but when I asked him for collateral he offered me this" showing the manager the object, "but I don't know what it is.  Any ideas?"

The boss looked at the object, smiled and said, "It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"

[WBrownTrophy]

1.)What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
-"Dam"


2.) why didn't the man like rabbit stew?

-Because he didn't like hare in his soup.

3.) where do all the smartest hot dogs go?

-The Honor Roll

4.) Did you hear about the circus? it was in tents (intense)

[Redz]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead

[Redz]

What's purple and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?

A 4-door plum

[SShoreFan 2.0]

What do monsters eat?

Things

What do monsters drink?

Coke, because things go better with Coke.


(old advertising slogan)


What's purple and swims around the world?

Moby Grape

[cdif911]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead

that reminded me of one:

what do you call a turtle without a shell?

dead

[Redz]

Why couldn't the Olympian get out of the elevator?

He had a javelin through his head (ahhh...the elementary school humor just never gets old...or good)

[Fan from VT]

I'm guessing that substituted curse words are okay, right? As long as the joke is not derogatory?


what do you call a blind deer?
"no idear" (no eye-deer)

what do you call a blind, legless deer?
"still no idear."

what do you call a blind, legless deer with no genitalia?
"still no f---ing idear!"

[Zoots]

Reminder:  jokes are to be kept clean.  That means stay away from *anything* that uses slurs or derogatory terms for others.

Also, please keep things in good taste.

And how!  And now... back to the always tasteful poop jokes.

[Robb]

A blonde walks into a store, points toward the shelf behind the cashier, and asks, "Can I have that TV please?"

The cashier responds, "Sorry, I don't sell to dumb blondes."

The next day, the blonde comes back with a brown wig on her head and asks, "Can I have that TV please?"

Again, the cashier responds, "Sorry, I don't sell to dumb blondes."

The next day, the blonde comes back after having surgery to change her face and dying her hair and asks,"Can I have that TV please?"

Once again, the cashier responds,"Sorry, I don't sell to dumb blondes."

The blonde, furious, asks, "How do you know that I'm blonde?"

The cashier says, "Because that's a microwave."

I thought it was going to be "You aren't wearing pants."  Would that fly for a clean joke?

[Redz]

Why did the soup blush?

It saw the salad dressing

[FatKidsDad]

A lady goes in to an ice cream parlor.

The counter man says "We have strawberry and vanilla...what'll you have?"

She answers "Chocolate!"

"Sorry," he replies.  "We're all out.  What else can I get you?"

"I'll have chocolate" says she.

Frustrated, he tries again.  "Strawberry or vanilla.  What do you want?"

"I want chocolate!"

Finally, he says "Let me explain this so you'll understand.  Can you spell 'straw', like in 'strawberry'?"

"S-T-R-A-W" comes the answer.

"Good.  Now spell 'van', like in 'vanilla'"

"V-A-N" she says.

"OK" he says.  "Now spell 'freak' like in 'chocolate'"

She pauses for a moment, then says "There's no 'freak' in chocolate"

"Lady," comes the triumphant response, "That's what I've been trying to tell you. THERE's NO FREAKIN CHOCOLATE!!!!!"