What's the funniest "clean" joke you know?

[Redz]

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stays up all night pondering the existance of a dog

[larryjoe]

Two canibals are eating a clown.
One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[alaffin]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.



What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot, ya racist Edited for profanity.  Please do not do it again.!

[greg_kite]

A guy walks into a bar and he sees a jar full of money on the table that says “Win me- See bartender for details”

So the guys asks the bartender how to win the money.  The bartender says “There are three things you have to do.  First, see that big bouncer over there?  You have to knock him out with one punch.”  The guy sees a huge bouncer on the other side of the bar and decides against it.  But his curiosity forces him to ask, “Ok, what next?”

The bartender brings the guy outside to a cage with an angry bear going crazy in it.  He says, “See that bear?  It has a bad tooth and needs it pulled.  You have to pull it out.”  The guy thinks to himself that there is no way he can do that.  But curiosity forces him to ask, “Alright, what after that?”

The bartender brings him to a worn down apartment above the bar.  It smells like cat urine and feces.  At the end of the hall is a disgusting old woman who hasn’t showered in years.  The bartender says, “The last thing you have to do is make love to that woman.”  The guys says “Forget it, I can’t do that” and heads back down to the bar.

After a few drinks the guy is feeling a little more brave.  He asks the bartender, “Alright, what do I have to do first?”  The bartender points at the bouncer.  The guy gets up, walks over to the bouncer and knocks him out with one punch!  The guys looks at the bartender again, “What next?”  The bartender points to the door outside and says “The bear!”  So the guy goes outside and all anyone can hear is the bear wailing and moaning in horrible pain.  The guy comes back inside and says, “All set.  Now where is that old lady so I can pull her teeth?”

[celticmaestro]

What do penguins sing to each other on their birthdays?

Freeze a jolly good fellow...

 

[Nerf DPOY]

This might not be the "funniest", but it is A joke.

A bank robber has a handful of hostages locked in a room with him. He points his gun at them and asks " Who here saw ME hold up this bank?" A man raises his hand, says he witnessed the robbery, and immediately gets shot and killed. "Anybody else see me rob the bank?" he asks again. Another man pipes up " I didn't, but my wife here saw everything."

[bdm860]

What did 50 Cent say after his grandmother knitted him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

[vw pirate]

the LA Clippers.

[ChampKind]

What did one snowman say to the other?

Smells like carrots.

[Schupac]

A marine, a detective and a Boston beat cop are all interviewing with the CIA, and they are the final three candidates.  There is one final test for them to perform.

The CIA tester gets the marines wife, ties her to a chair in a room, and hands the Marine a pistol.  He says "shoot your wife to prove you're unquestioning loyalty."

The Marine says he can't do it, and leaves.

The CIA tester gets the detectives wife, ties her to a chair in a room, and hands the Detective a pistol.  He says "shoot your wife to prove you're unquestioning loyalty."

The Detective goes in the room and shuts the door.  A moment later he comes out, in tears.  "I just can't do it... I'm sorry, I give up." and he leaves.

The CIA tester gets the Boston Beat Cop's wife, ties her to a chair in a room, and hands the Cop a pistol.  He says "shoot your wife to prove you're unquestioning loyalty."

The Cop goes in the room and shuts the door.  Several shots are heard, then a lot of scuffling and commotion.  A moment later, the Cop comes out breathing heavily waving the gun and says "Some idiot put blanks in this thing, I had to do it myself!"

[StarzNBarz]

A Blonde is on her way to disney land...on the way she sees a sign it says "Disney Land, Left" so she turned around and went home!!

[Fan from VT]

A Panda walks into a bar and orders a burger. After he's finished eating, he pulls out a gun, shoots the man sitting next to him, and heads out of the pub. In stunned confusion, the bartender reaches for his dictionary and looks up "Panda: mammal. Eats shoots and leaves."




A pirate walked into a bar. He had a pegged leg, a hooked hand, and an eyepatch. The bartender says "hey there friend, you look pretty rugged. What happened?"
The pirate says, "well, when I was a young sailor, I was climbing the rigging and my leg got stuck in a rope and was cut clean off!" The bartender says, "tough luck, what next?" The pirate says "well, a few years later we were sailing away from an enemy ship, and a cannonball took my hand clean off!" "And your eye" the bartender asked? "Well, I was standing on the deck, looked up, and a seagull pooped in my eye!" The bartender says, "that's enough, you can't lose your eye from a seagull pooping in it!" The pirate says, "you can if it's your first day with your new hook!"

[Fan from VT]

Nice poem Redz.  It reminds me of the Little Giants movie.  ONe of the greatest sporting upsets of all time.  I'm still wondering how they pulled it off.

Thanks, but I just realized I left the punchline out when I pasted it! Here's the whole thing.

         The Great Animal Football Game
                       



And when it was all over, the rally complete.
All the animals marveled at the centipede’s feat.

Hey Redz, I thought the joke was a subtle pun...that everyone was impressed by the centipede's "feat!"

[Redz]

Nice poem Redz.  It reminds me of the Little Giants movie.  ONe of the greatest sporting upsets of all time.  I'm still wondering how they pulled it off.

Thanks, but I just realized I left the punchline out when I pasted it! Here's the whole thing.

         The Great Animal Football Game
                       



And when it was all over, the rally complete.
All the animals marveled at the centipede’s feat.

Hey Redz, I thought the joke was a subtle pun...that everyone was impressed by the centipede's "feat!"

yup...pun intended

[Redz]

Two canibals are eating a clown.
One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

I can vouch for that one



I love that joke.  I was actually just going to post it, but I figured I'd check and see if anyone else had yet.

Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was in-tents (works better when you say it out loud I guess)