What's the funniest "clean" joke you know?

[Brickowski]

Two guys walked into a bar. 
Geez, you would think one of them might have seen it.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and dials 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping in the woods. After dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes replies "It tells me that somebody stole our tent.”

[cdif911]

Duck walks into a drug store, he says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."

that reminded me of one of my favorites (there's probably a hundred versions of it):

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor." So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No." Then the duck says "Oh good. Got any grapes?"

[fairweatherfan]

Speaking of poop jokes...

A bear and a rabbit are taking a deuce in the woods.  The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Say, pal, do you ever have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"  The rabbit says, "Why, no, it's never been a big issue."  "That's good to know," says the bear, and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[fairweatherfan]

Ooh, and here's another one, quick but funny:

A termite walks into a pub, looks around and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Wocka wocka!

[Cassidy122690]

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "why the long face?"

_______


A hamburger walk into a bar and asks for a beer, the bartender says, "sorry we don't serve food here."


_______


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "hey, is the bar tender here?"

[Redz]

A ghost walks into a bar and orders a drink.  Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve spirits here"

[Cassidy122690]

Doh!  Sorry for the repeat...

[fairweatherfan]

A termite walks into a pub, looks around and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "hey, is the bar tender here?"

Great minds think alike, and all that...

[connerhenry43]

who took all the soap from the bathroom?

Robber Duckie.

[SShoreFan 2.0]

A priest, a rabbi, a dumb blond and a duck walk into a bar

the bartender looks up and says "what is this, some sort of joke?"

[CelticsWhat35]

A blonde and a brunette jump off of a building.  Which one lands first?

[SShoreFan 2.0]

A blonde and a brunette jump off of a building.  Which one lands first?

hey, this is a joke thread not a science thread.  duh!

[makaveli]

a kid walls into a bakery and ask's the guy working if they have some diet cola, and guy says no, we only sell bread and stuff like that...
the next day kid does the same thing,and gets the same reply from the same guy...
and kid does the exactly the same thing the next day, and gets the same reply, only the guy was a little frustrated...
day after kid walks in and does the same as day before, and the guy tell him that they don't sell that and that if he comes tomorrow he is going to nail him on a cross...
next day kid walks in,and ask's the guy if he haves nails, and the guy says no, so the kid ask's "do you sell diet cola"?

[Redz]

There are these two drunk guys sitting on a bench, and they're watching a dog lick his balls.  One drunk guy goes, "I wish I could do that".  The other says, "I don't know, I think he'd bite ya."

Then of course you know why dog's lick their balls?

Because they can

[Bob Day]

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: "Make me one with everything."