What's the funniest "clean" joke you know?

[TheBig3]

A rope goes into a bar and drinks one too many
The bartender throws him out
The rope ties himself up and pulls his strands out the end
Goes back into the bar, the bartender say's "Hey aren't you the rope I just threw out?"
The rope answers, "No, I'm afrayed knot"

[celts55]

A woman is on line at the grocery store. She puts down a loaf of bread, a pound of butter, dozen eggs, and a gallon of milk.
The man behind  her looks at the stuff, than looks at her. After a short time he says "You must be single".
She asks, How would you know that?
He replies, "Because you're ugly".

[sofutomygaha]

Ask me if I'm a turtle.

Pearljammer10, are you a turtle?

[slamtheking]

A woman is on line at the grocery store. She puts down a loaf of bread, a pound of butter, dozen eggs, and a gallon of milk.
The man behind  her looks at the stuff, than looks at her. After a short time he says "You must be single".
She asks, How would you know that?
He replies, "Because you're ugly".

rotten, but funny

[Redz]

Two flies are sitting on a piece of poop.  One lifts up his leg and cranks out a gigantic fart.  The other looks at him angrily and says, "HEY!  Do you mind?  I'm trying to eat my lunch here."

2 flies are sitting on a piece of poop eating their lunch.  One lifts up a hind leg and lets out a monumental fart.  Second fly says, "HEY! Do you mind?  I'm trying to eat here!"

Whoa...deja vu.

this makes sense.  I have a long repertoire of jokes, but none of them are from the last 25 years.

[pearljammer10]

Ask me if I'm a turtle.

Pearljammer10, are you a turtle?

No.


 

[Celtics17]

A man was trying to talk his wife into having a third child to which she replied '"No way, it hurts way too  much and just forget it". Her husband then told her that he had been speaking with the doctor and that apparently they had invented a new pill that would transfer %100 of the pain of child labor to the father of the child.

After some convincing the wife agreed. While giving birth she found out it was true, she had absolutely no pain. The strange thing was that her husband said he felt nothing either. When he returned home later that night the mailman was found dead in their driveway. 

NEW JOKE   

On his death bed a man said to his wife " honey I have to ask you something will you be honest with me?" to which she replied "of course dear, what is it"?  Her husband said " I have wondered for a long time, our first two children look alike but our third child doesnt look anything like the first two, is he mine"?  The wife replied back "Yes he is, but the first two aren't"

[FatKidsDad]

Bump

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States,  wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says,
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?

Ees no meerage, ees reelly a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. 
 
Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."
 

[alldaboston]

Bump

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States,  wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says,
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?

Ees no meerage, ees reelly a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. 
 
Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."

LOL you get a TP for this one.

[A Future of Stevens]

My dad always said this in response to when somebody said he was a poet and he didn't even know it.

"I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig.

It's not a beautiful poem, but it is deep."

[Redz]

My dad always said this in response to when somebody said he was a poet and he didn't even know it.

"I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig.

It's not a beautiful poem, but it is deep."

Nice.

What do you call it when a hen sees a pile of lettuce?

Chicken Sees-her Salad

[FatKidsDad]

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister walk into a bar.

The bar tender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[libermaniac]

A man is out of town and his wife gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl.  He rushes back to town to the hospital, finds out the children are ok, and says to the nurse "I'd like to name the children".  The nurse says "oh, your brother already took care of that".  The man looks worried and says "Oh, my brother is horrible with names.  What did he name the girl?"  The nurse says "Denise".  The man says "Oh, that's actually pretty good.  What did he name the boy?"

"De-nephew".  Ba-dum-dum-dum.

[alldaboston]

A man is out of town and his wife gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl.  He rushes back to town to the hospital, finds out the children are ok, and says to the nurse "I'd like to name the children".  The nurse says "oh, your brother already took care of that".  The man looks worried and says "Oh, my brother is horrible with names.  What did he name the girl?"  The nurse says "Denise".  The man says "Oh, that's actually pretty good.  What did he name the boy?"

"De-nephew".  Ba-dum-dum-dum.

haha i like that one. im definitely gonna try it out on some friends today.

[kozlodoev]

My dad always said this in response to when somebody said he was a poet and he didn't even know it.

"I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig.

It's not a beautiful poem, but it is deep."

Nice.

What do you call it when a hen sees a pile of lettuce?

Chicken Sees-her Salad

You meant to say Chix sees-her salad?