The "NBA Conspiratorial" Game

[Dybdal]

With the CelticsBlog 30 team draft running along as entertainment in this somewhat dry offseason, i thought i would pitch in with a game to get some creative juices flowing and to serve as some added entertainment in this very dry offseason.

I've been reading a ton about it, so im sure most of you have aswell. its a sad sitiuation for our league but non the less an un-avoidable topic.
Im talking about the referee scandal ofcourse.

So in an attempt to poke fun at a very dim subject i thought off a game. The game is simple in its nature but requires some creativity.
The game is about conspiricy theories, you most likely have heared the most well known of these

> The Moon landing was faked
> The JFK assasination
> 9/11 was an inside job

And maybe you know of some of the NBA related ones

> Knicks getting Patrick Ewing with the first pick
> Lakers Vs Kings 2002 WCF Game 6
> Phatom Call on Pippen in the 1994 playoffs against the Knicks

and many many more.

So the name of the game is to make up your own NBA related Conspiracy Theory, maybe you think Sam Cassel escaped from Area52 back in the 1960's? maybe you think David Stern wants to turn the NBA into a branch under the WWF, what ever your contribution might be, make it entertaining, make it creative, back it up with facts (even made up ones) include pictures and video's to prove your point (even if its silly) and most importently of all, make it 110% fake.

The game will end on the 31st and the Prize is 25 Tommy Points to be awarded, the winner will be chosen by a poll made on the 31st

*.* There are no rules, so you can make more than one contribution if you see fit.

[kw10]

The "Brian Scalabrine/Keith Van Horn" Conspiracy.

Players like Brian Scalabrine, Keith Van Horn, Matt Bonner, Robert Traylor, Michael Sweetney, and the list goes on...are restricted to limited minutes by the NBA to 5-20 mpg depending on who you are.

The reason for that is simply they are too great players. The league officials do not want these players get hot and torch opponents for 937 a game, because 100 points is a nice and neat record. The league consider such actions to be too demoralising for opponents
and such blowouts would be no fun to watch for anyone but the teams with such players. Furthermore such talented players are limited, so it is unfair for teams without them.

The likes of Keith Van Horn playing 48 minutes would also result in other players on his team getting fat and won't fit in a suit as NBA requires them to. Reason being KVH would be doing everything, his versatility allows him to play from 1-5, so his teammates would b sitting down with a packet of chips everytime he's on the court.

The last but not least reason is, NBA scoreboards are not produced to have more than 3 digits on each side, meaning with Brian Scalabrine on the court, his team would score over 999 points but then no one can keep count.

[Schupac]

The "Conspiracy Conspiracy".

There are no conspiracies.  Basketball is an inherently boring game, featuring wicked tall dudes trying to throw a bouncy ball into a hole roughly 50-60 times a game.  To compensate for this snoozefest, commision David Stern (AKA Darth Stern AKA Beelzebub AKA Megatron AKA Judy Garland) designed the perfect conspiracy:  A conspiracy of conspiracies!

He designed a number of crazy scenarios designed to rile up the general public, stir debate over miniscule events and generally cause a whole lot of noise about nothing (ESPN hadn't been invented yet).

Exhibit A - The Lone Free Throw Shooter.  In 1953, the St. Louis Hawks were playing the Syracuse Nationals.  The Hawks trailed by three points with just 4 seconds remaining in the game.  Star player Don Johnson (Later to go on to star in Miami Vice, MacBeth and MacBeth 2: Too Furious) was fouled, giving him two free throw shots.  Knowing full well if he made both the Nationals would hold the ball to stall the game to a finish, he resolved to miss the second shot and hope for a rebound.  But sadly for him, Macho Man Randy Savage the enforcer for the Nationals was all over that rebound like whoa.  But here's where it gets complicated.  When he pulled the rebound down "OHHH YEAH!!!" he was suddenly hit in the back of the head by an errant basketball, twice.  This caused him to drop the ball, which Don Johnson grabbed and passed to Tubbs who dunked it windmill style.

Commisioner Stern maintains this was the work of a lone Free Throw Shooter (namely Don Johnson).  Stern claims the ball ricochetted of the backboard, ran into an angry bumblebee and then bounced into Macho Man's head... twice (it was a really angry bumblebee).

The true story?  David Stern (11 at the time and already pure evil) whipped a pair of basketballs at the Macho Man's head because he had refused to sign David's lucky pair of tighty whiteys... while he was wearing them.  Also he was wearing a dress.


Exhibit 2 - The "Minneapolis Lakers".  The year is 1956, and George Mikan of the Minneapolis Lakers is taking the country by storm with his short shorts, pale meaty thights and orthropedic glasses.  Candy bars cost a nickel, gas is 12 cents a gallon and the Kaiser just stole Christmas prompting the 100 years war.  And the Minneapolis Lakers were dominating the league with electrifying final scores like 22-19 and 30-0 (that midget team was really a bad idea).  They would go on to win the championship and bring it home to Minneapolis… OR WOULD THEY?!?!

The team was secretly already based in Los Angeles, Minneapolis was all a ruse.

“But Schupac, the history books clearly state they played in Minneapolis!  Besides, why would they call a team from LA the “lakers”?  That makes more sense for a team from Minnesota!  They have lakes!”

Excellent point Timmy, however Shutup Stupid.  Have you ever been to Minneapolis?  Me neither.  And nobody I know has either.  That’s because it doesn’t exist.  Minneapolis was created by David Stern to be the home town of the Lakers.  Where did the name come from?  Mini-Apple-Us.  David Stern’s favorite desert!

Exhibit C – The “Jordan Rules”.  More recent, some of you may actually remember this.  In 1988, the Detroit Pistons ran smack dab into the future, Michael Jordan and his dance team the bulls.  Jordan continuously lit up the Pistons for hundreds of points a game.  But the Pistons were like “no way Jordan” and they hired a bear to maul him.  But Jordan still scored a lot and everybody went “Jordan Rules!”

What really happened?  It happened exactly like I said and I challenge you to find any source specifically stating Jordan was not mauled by a bear in 1988.

Exhibit D – Yao Ming.  Dude there is no freakin way that guy is 7”6 no freakin way.  If he is 7"6 why isn't he a superhero?

Excibit 5 – The NBA “Lockout”.  1999 – The NBA has a labor dispute which leads to a truncated season where the YAWN spurs defeated the New York Knicks 4 games to 1.  1999… the same year Anna Kournikova turned 18?  Yeah, Labor Dispute my BUTT.  They were all watching amateur tennis games.

Exhibit 6 – are you still reading this?  Give it up already.  Exhibit 2 was the high point.



Well... there you have it.  Also, Jimmy Hoffa is buried under Stephon Marbury's contract, and aliens have been probing Kobe Bryant every day for the past nine years.

[Dybdal]

The "NBA / WWE Merger" Conspiracy!

*.* Note: im not done with this, but i have to go to work so i cant finish it but im posting it for now and will edit it when i can from work to hopefully comeplete it before the day is done

Conspiracy regarding David Stern wanting to merge with the NBA with WWE to create a mixture of the two, i will here give you some signs that has been for all eyes to see but non have yet to connect the dots, i here give you the complete story of whats to come in the comming years and its not all pretty.

1) The Alter-Ego

Ever since the start of the Jordan era the NBA has seen an increasing amount of players chosing to outfit them selfs with alter-ego's, Jordan was the pionear of this movement by chosing to name him self "Air Jordan", more players have been seen spotting these kinds of names, some recent examples of this trend is: Shaq "The Diesel" O'Niel, Dwayne "The Flash" Wade, Sasha "The Machine" Vujacic and LeBron "King James" James NBA player Shaq "The Diesel" has been caught publicly taking credit for some of these names such as Mr. Wade's alter-ego but that is a cover story set forth by the NBA front office to cover the fact that these superstars were apointed these names and the league has taken it one step further to make surnames (or alter-ego's if you will) a required field to fill out on your draft application and if its not filled out correctly the league will apoint you with a propper name as to make sure every player is ready for the transition period to come (an example of the league apointing an alter-ego is Brian "The Veal" Scal)

Lebron "King James" James, in his WWE proto-type costume


The Alter-Ego has been a hallmark tradition within the WWE for many years as a means of marketing, the most note worthy of these are Jake "The Snake" Roberts and Andre "The Giant" this is a sure sign of the intention of the NBA front office to spoon feed the public with small dosis of this merger so not to anger the hardcore fan, further proof of this is the fact most teams are getting aditional names, such as the Detroit Pistons being called "Detroit Bad Boys" and dont you dare tell me you dont think of bulky men wearing spandex when you hear that.

Andre "The Giant" seen here with his manager


2) Changing the Rules

Over the years we have seen the rules of basketball change to become less of a psysical sport with introduction of such rules as hand-checking. Most basketball fans are now looking back to the glory days were such rules didnt exsist and long to get back to a older style of basketball, David Stern has seen this as an opurtunity to test the waters regarding the merger by schooling a select few players in the art of "dirty tricks" something the WWE has excelled at for years.

This has been seen in the NBA over the years, some examples of this are seen in the book being given to every new NBA draft player called "Allen Iverson's 202 testicle based cheap shots" (leaked example picture of this secret book is shown below)



Other examples of whats to come is the WWE prodigy turned NBA pro "Bruce Bowen" (picture below) that here shows some fundemental wrestling ability by drop-kicking the unexpecting Wally Szerbiak in the face, something we as a viewers will have to get used to seeing more often

Wellcome to the future Wally
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhTjSrZi91Y

Bruce Bowen seen below as his alter-ego "Ming the Merciless"


*.* will add more later

[Bankshot]

Re:  Moon landing.

With all the advanced technology since the last moon landing by humans, how come they could go to the moon then, but not now?  And has any other country ever had humans land on the moon?  If not, why not?

[wdleehi]

The Scali 20 point game.

[zerophase]

TP for the wally drop kick. that was hilarious.

[indeedproceed]

The Secret David Stern won't admit:

Tim Donaghy was raised by Gerry Donaghy. That much is true. He was told at an early age that he had been adopted, that his real parents had died, and that while he wasn't Gerry's biological son, he was raised as such. He led a fairly innocent childhood, and he loved the game of basketball. His father was a former NCAA referee and like all good sons, he wanted to be exactly like his dear old dad.



But his dad wouldn't let him. His father fought at every turn to steer Tim, or "Tim-tom" as he was affectionatly referred to, from officiating basketball. This led to a falling out shortly after Tim's graduation from Villinova university.

They didn't speak until his hearing earlier this July.

Here is a transcript from that conversation:

Tim: Father, Im so glad you've come. You were right. I should never have got into refereeing.
Gerry: Tim, no. It is time I told you.
Tim: What father? What must you tell me?
Gerry: I am not your real father.
Tim: Father? I knew that. What are you talking about?
Gerry: The NBA...its in your blood. You father IS involved in the NBA.
Tim: My father IS involved? You mean he's not dead?
Gerry: No, no Tim-Tom. He did die. The NBA killed him, or killed the man I knew. He took a job in the NBA and turned into a cunning, cutthroat, and above all humorless arse!
Tim: Gerry. Who is my real father?
Gerry: Your father.....is David Stern.
Tim: David Stern? Nooooooooooooooo! FATHERRRRRRRRRR! (shaking his referee's whistle violently in the air)

[Schupac]

buuump threads posted at 2 AM don't get enough play.